Wow, That was Hard.

Wow, I can't believe how the other day's writing has affected me the ways it has. I feel like I have kind of been in a weird funk since then. Later that night, I went upstairs to put Brooks to bed, and I just laid there staring at him while he slept, praying to God that he keeps my children safe. That he will protect their little bodies from harm, and that I will never have to hear that awful C-word like so many parents have to. I pray that I will never have to relive the hell I went through, but instead of it being my mom it is one of my children. I just don't know if I could survive. I think because of what happened with my mom, I am so aware that in an instant life can change, those bad things can happen to me. That the ones we love most are not guaranteed a tomorrow. In those moments of reality, I panic. While I was praying and begging my Heavenly Father to protect my children and to please never take them from me, it all felt very familiar. It took me back to when I was a little girl. Praying and begging him to never take my mom too soon, and just at that moment, a thought came to my mind. The thought was, pray for strength and faith to get me through any of my hard times to come. It was a good reminder that Heavenly Father can't always protect us from life. I believe we came to this earth and that life is supposed to be hard at times so we can have opportunities to grow and turn to him. I didn't do that with my mom. I had no faith in Heavenly Father anymore after she died. I turned away. I think it takes strength to have faith. I had neither. I will get into that later on in my blog, but back to my topic for today. Writing this stuff about my mom and about myself is not going to easy. I don't want to relieve the worst years of my life, but I want her battle written down because she was a warrior. She fought hard. She was so strong. I also want my battle written down because I too was a warrior. I have had to fight to get to where I am now. I feel like I would be doing her and myself a disfavor if I didn't journal all of this. So I'm going to keep pushing through and have hard days when I need to because it was a hard thing to go through. I hope too, that someone that is grieving and going through this can hopefully find something out of my writings. Even if it's just that they are not alone in all of this. Grief can be so lonely because each person's grief is their own. No one knows their exact pain or exactly what they lost. Life just keeps moving on and you feel so stuck because you have this chain and ball wrapped around your ankles making it feel impossible to move forward. Everywhere you turn there is a reminder of how your loved one is gone and life will never be the same.